Battle at the ROOTS....

Battle at the ROOTS....*scrolling through my calendar*

September 16, 2010 my almost big chop. I honestly didn't have the courage to do the official big chop and grow my hair back from their. So seven months after my last relaxer I cut my relaxer out. I low key didn't know what was next. But something had to give. After months of wearing weave braids to grow my hair out I was fed up. I had only wore weave once before I started wearing it during the Spring 2010 semester. I hated it. But I didnt hate it as much as attempting the big chop.

So there I sat nervous but ready for this new journey. Evidence on the floor of how many times I had started the journey but gave in to the creamed crack. Each snip made me feel lighter. I felt free from something. Just not understanding what at the time. snip....Snip...SNip.....SNIp....SNIP. The sound of the scissors reminded me that it was too late. No turning back at this point. SNIP....SNIP .....SNIP.

December 15, 2010 NO MORE WEAVE. I had my first twists put in my hair to start my loc process. I'm one of those people who hates to sit for hours. And it took HOURS. Well I may be exaggerating a little. It probably took two hours at the most. But it seemed like ages. FINISHED!! Looks in the mirror. I liked it. But I looked like my name was Craig, Mike, or Leroy. Naaaa...I don't think Leroy would have want Locs. Maybe a afro. But either way I was defiantly a little nervous about this new journey. By February one of my friends had convinced me to start consistently wearing earrings. I use to wear them as a kid. Had a little trouble with my ears so I stopped wearing them all together. This time around I gave in. I blame peer pressure. No?

Sometime after between then and now. Getting my hair retwisted and retwisted and retwisted. I realized this grade of hair that I thought to be a Lion's mane/ Brillo pad...wasn't as bad as I thought. I then realized my hair was doing its own curly thing instead of trying to loc. Do I really want to do the loc process?

Today, April 26, 2011 I'm loving my hair. But honestly this loc process is killing me. But I'm loving it so. I'll make it. I'm just going to have days where I wake up annoyed that my my whole head decided to curl up. #Yikes So I guess I'll keep battling my ROOTS...but in battling my roots I'm beginning to wonder what other races my ancestors could have been. Because this my blonde hair, light brown eyes, and light skin isn't fooling anyone anymore. Not even me.

Writers Block

I had this awesome thought for a blog ....but then I got writer's block....try again 2mrw...or maybe a little later.

Random Shit

1. I'm nervous about next school year. I feel like either all my work will pay off....or ill fail miserably.
2. The fact that I have about 2wks left of my track career is eating me alive. I'm not ready for it to be over. I'm low key putting on a show like I am. But I'm not. I guess maybe I'm ready for this season to be done to focus on school. But being done forever. #YIKES
3. I haven't possessed true emotion in about 9 or 10 days. I may get a little sad at times. But as far as tears coming down my face. Not at all. I'm not sure why either. I low key haven't been happy. Just regular I guess...I did have a blast yesterday evening. But I wasn't exactly happy. Doesn't make sense to you...well it makes sense to me... *continues*
4. I'm worried about my fellow education majors. A lot of them want to give up because they haven't done so well so on the Praxis. Now thats one thing that has saddened me. But nope....still no tears. With them giving up and or weighing strong to the option of settling for a Liberal Studies degree is killing me. It Really feels like the walls are crumbling around me.
5. The "walls crumbling around me" has been a constant feeling for about 3 yrs now. I'm not really sure why when things go wrong I feel that way. But they feeling is always there. I guess my friends and family are an important part of my everyday. Part of the reason I keep pushing. And for a stituation like this to arise...it's killing me inside.
6. my friendships lately have been um....different. I have truly grown apart from people simply because of their maturity level. I low key can't deal with how some of my friends are acting. So in turn I've distanced myself from a lot of my friends.

When everything arounds us begins to crumble. And trying to stay humble causes us to stumble. When silent tears make streams and expose our fears. When good isn't good enough and being strong isn't tough enough. When giving up seems to be the only way. How can we on such journey when as young children we were taught to pray. But prayers seem unanswered. And the give up option feeds on us like cancer. Why? Why go on if we're no longer strong. Why sing the words if we don't remember the song. Why try so hard if we continue to fail. This journey we chose such a endless hell... No? So if life were meant to be easy we would all go straight to heaven? No? If life is an endless struggle we should be use to it now? No? We are perfect. Everyone wins. No losers. No failures. No upsets. No tears. And certainly no fears... The walls are crumbling down. I've stumbled but I'm not stuck on the ground. Guess who made themselves a swimmer and not so worried about being a winner. Give up? Quit. I can't stomache that thought. What good is quitting for the battles I've fought. Gods isn't delaying, so why stop praying. Yes, the end result shall be better than I ever dreamed. To be continued...