Random Shit (I'm way over due for one of these)

1. I just completed a whole semester of working x coaching x working. I am praying for a regular salary paid job after graduation. I can't keep working this slave shift. Yikes. Oh but the coaching part is awesome.
2. My current vision as a coach is a Championship in Cross Country and Track and Field next year. The Bible says write the vision and make it plain!! So I need to let all the ladies coming back next year aware of that. I feel it coming. I've been practicing patience and I'm ready to go grab it.
3. Graduation. Aaaahh. I've settled on the fact that I can make plans. But those plans can easily be changed. May 5, 2012. A day of completion.
   
4. I start student teaching a month from tomorrow. Nervous? A tad bit. But not really. I want to teach. I'm suppose to teach. I think that's why I went through hell and back just to make it this far.
   
5. What's next? Whew! I'm still putting everything together in my head. I'm thinking Kentucky for another one to two years and then I want to teach for the United Nations. There's a long story behind that one. I'll save that for another blog.
   
6. Friendships. Yikes. I love my friends but, ya stress me the FUCK out. Despite the times I want to choke slam you guys...I love you all.
   
7. Love. Everyone I wouldn't even consider likes me. I refuse to lower my standards. And the guy I can say I would love from now until eternity is in love with another girl. *cues Drake* lol.

Soul flow

Adrenaline RUSH...
DREAMS...crushed....
Walking around gibber jabbering like such and such
Wahh wahh waa  waaa give a fuck...
Shift key...capitalize...comma ...period...scratch that...DOT DOT DOT #pause

Can you feel my emotion through the shift key?
If I capitalize it all will you feel me?
Cloud 9 ...ain't fine ....if your fallin everytime.
Sour faces...no sweets ...chewing lemons and limes.

Walk around with dreams, living no reality.
Falling off accomplishments brings mental brutality.
But then again...life ain't sweet.
Between progression and depression is where my soul meets.

Hold up. I GREW UP FUCKIN SCREW UP...na
I grew up ahead of  my time.
Typically misunderstood no life line.
Playing spades surrounded by Kings and Queens.
Nightmares engulfed in silent screams.

I've been trying to get this post out for sometime now. If only I could just feed my thoughts directly from my brain to my blog page. But it doesn't work like that. So I've been logging in and getting writers block. Or I publish some not so great material. More scattered thoughts than words. But here it is.

I've been walking around with frowns. Frowns that I've tried to play off. People have noticed and they don't know what to say. Random hugs where I feel the energy of people trying to comfort the pain they don't understand. I want to vent to my friends so bad. But the friends I would vent to play some role in my pain. But in wake of my pain I'm still rising. And in my rising I'm growing.

But in my growing....it may not be so healthy. I feel abandoned by so many relationships with friends and family that I'm pushing away new friendships and weaning myself from current friendships and family members that could possibly sideline me one day. I just pissed off one of my co workers by ignoring her statement of, "You know you love me". If you know me I don't use that word unless I mean it. And at this point I don't want to love anyone else. Strange right. It makes sense in my head. I didn't mean to be mean in response to her statement but all my pain flashed before my eyes in reading this statement that was said to me via twitter. I've loved so many from the bottom of my heart. There's always room to love more. But I don't think I can take anymore of the feelings I've had lately.

One of my friends told me this year that I have abandonment issues. She was right. I think I should be use to being abandoned on simply feeling like it by now. But as you see I'm not. But here I type a work in progress. And somewhere out there I think I here God telling me that when no one else is around I'm all around. I can't physically touch or get a vocal response when talking but he's there. He understands my feelings but doesn't want me to depend on no one but him when I'm hurting.

Dear Summer

Dear Summer,

I know you gon' miss me....

Summer we go together a scantron and number 2
Studied so much my summer is almost through......

Wait...Dear Summer....
What a bummer...

Summer I've been waiting for you to dry the tears
The end of summer brings back the fears...

Wait ..Dear Fall...
Help me stand tall...
What's a tree if the leaves never fall
Where are you reaching if your trees are too small...

Day one -Pre Season Workout

Official day one of my pre season workout for Cross Country. No longer the athlete but the coach. I'm a little nervous but I'm ready. This won't be my first time coaching so I have some experience. But coaching at the collegiate level will be a lot different than coaching 5 and 6 yr olds.

Let me get back to the point that I'm working out and not me and the team. I feel like if I'm in shape and working out I can help the men and women of my team more. I'm a little late officially starting my workout but its cool. If you ask....hell yea I'm ready.

Cotton Candy Dreams

Don't sale me no cotton candy dreams
Sweet when you taste 'em but dissolve in your mouth
Only leaving behind color and stickiness
Can't get full off of cotton candy dreams
You can eat as much as you want but the end result is only a belly ache
Don't sale me no cotton candy dreams temporary sweetness
No cotton candy dreams you pick the color
But the cotton candy dreams sounded so good at first
Until that cotton candy dream never became reality
Cotton candy dream
Not worth standing in line for
When waiting is forever
Cotton candy dream
Oh sweet dreams
Cotton candy dreams
Or a sour nightmare
Cotton candy dreams

In my feelings...

Grasping reality more each day
In my mind I'm running, just not sure which way
I'm stuck at crossroads scared to move across
If I'm the MD of my life, then why is everyone else trying to be the boss
Tired of being lost
Being a helping hand has come with great cost
And while I sit dreaming of positivity
Remembering broken dreams brings negativity
Lost hope
End of my rope
Drowned in my sorrows
Fake smiles and laughs takes away questions of tomorrow
Perfect picture portaits waiting to be revealed
But falling from the wall that my goals were first nailed

Beautiful Flowers

My next tattoo is what I describe as my "dedication" tatt. I plan on getting a flower to represent the important women who paved the way for me. The only thing is im still skeptical about getting this tatt. I feel like its similar to writing peoples names on me. What if I regret it afterward. A few of my flowers will be dedicated to some of my current friends and I'm really nervous about that. I'm struggling with a lot of what if's so I guess I'll wait a little bit before I get this next one.

Battle at the ROOTS....

Battle at the ROOTS....*scrolling through my calendar*

September 16, 2010 my almost big chop. I honestly didn't have the courage to do the official big chop and grow my hair back from their. So seven months after my last relaxer I cut my relaxer out. I low key didn't know what was next. But something had to give. After months of wearing weave braids to grow my hair out I was fed up. I had only wore weave once before I started wearing it during the Spring 2010 semester. I hated it. But I didnt hate it as much as attempting the big chop.

So there I sat nervous but ready for this new journey. Evidence on the floor of how many times I had started the journey but gave in to the creamed crack. Each snip made me feel lighter. I felt free from something. Just not understanding what at the time. snip....Snip...SNip.....SNIp....SNIP. The sound of the scissors reminded me that it was too late. No turning back at this point. SNIP....SNIP .....SNIP.

December 15, 2010 NO MORE WEAVE. I had my first twists put in my hair to start my loc process. I'm one of those people who hates to sit for hours. And it took HOURS. Well I may be exaggerating a little. It probably took two hours at the most. But it seemed like ages. FINISHED!! Looks in the mirror. I liked it. But I looked like my name was Craig, Mike, or Leroy. Naaaa...I don't think Leroy would have want Locs. Maybe a afro. But either way I was defiantly a little nervous about this new journey. By February one of my friends had convinced me to start consistently wearing earrings. I use to wear them as a kid. Had a little trouble with my ears so I stopped wearing them all together. This time around I gave in. I blame peer pressure. No?

Sometime after between then and now. Getting my hair retwisted and retwisted and retwisted. I realized this grade of hair that I thought to be a Lion's mane/ Brillo pad...wasn't as bad as I thought. I then realized my hair was doing its own curly thing instead of trying to loc. Do I really want to do the loc process?

Today, April 26, 2011 I'm loving my hair. But honestly this loc process is killing me. But I'm loving it so. I'll make it. I'm just going to have days where I wake up annoyed that my my whole head decided to curl up. #Yikes So I guess I'll keep battling my ROOTS...but in battling my roots I'm beginning to wonder what other races my ancestors could have been. Because this my blonde hair, light brown eyes, and light skin isn't fooling anyone anymore. Not even me.

Writers Block

I had this awesome thought for a blog ....but then I got writer's block....try again 2mrw...or maybe a little later.

Random Shit

1. I'm nervous about next school year. I feel like either all my work will pay off....or ill fail miserably.
2. The fact that I have about 2wks left of my track career is eating me alive. I'm not ready for it to be over. I'm low key putting on a show like I am. But I'm not. I guess maybe I'm ready for this season to be done to focus on school. But being done forever. #YIKES
3. I haven't possessed true emotion in about 9 or 10 days. I may get a little sad at times. But as far as tears coming down my face. Not at all. I'm not sure why either. I low key haven't been happy. Just regular I guess...I did have a blast yesterday evening. But I wasn't exactly happy. Doesn't make sense to you...well it makes sense to me... *continues*
4. I'm worried about my fellow education majors. A lot of them want to give up because they haven't done so well so on the Praxis. Now thats one thing that has saddened me. But nope....still no tears. With them giving up and or weighing strong to the option of settling for a Liberal Studies degree is killing me. It Really feels like the walls are crumbling around me.
5. The "walls crumbling around me" has been a constant feeling for about 3 yrs now. I'm not really sure why when things go wrong I feel that way. But they feeling is always there. I guess my friends and family are an important part of my everyday. Part of the reason I keep pushing. And for a stituation like this to arise...it's killing me inside.
6. my friendships lately have been um....different. I have truly grown apart from people simply because of their maturity level. I low key can't deal with how some of my friends are acting. So in turn I've distanced myself from a lot of my friends.

When everything arounds us begins to crumble. And trying to stay humble causes us to stumble. When silent tears make streams and expose our fears. When good isn't good enough and being strong isn't tough enough. When giving up seems to be the only way. How can we on such journey when as young children we were taught to pray. But prayers seem unanswered. And the give up option feeds on us like cancer. Why? Why go on if we're no longer strong. Why sing the words if we don't remember the song. Why try so hard if we continue to fail. This journey we chose such a endless hell... No? So if life were meant to be easy we would all go straight to heaven? No? If life is an endless struggle we should be use to it now? No? We are perfect. Everyone wins. No losers. No failures. No upsets. No tears. And certainly no fears... The walls are crumbling down. I've stumbled but I'm not stuck on the ground. Guess who made themselves a swimmer and not so worried about being a winner. Give up? Quit. I can't stomache that thought. What good is quitting for the battles I've fought. Gods isn't delaying, so why stop praying. Yes, the end result shall be better than I ever dreamed. To be continued...

Finding my way....

Dear Life,

I understand isn't meant to be easy. My road isn't suppose to be a straight shot. I won't be happy all the time. Ill cry on sunny days. I'll lose sight of all my dreams. I'll panic. I'll bitch. I'll scream. But I won't complain. This nightmare I'm walking in has some hope somewhere. I'm thankful for the prayers. My dream is still alive.

Breaking Point

Today I lost it. All the focus that I have tried to hold onto went head first out the window. I found tears streaming down my face and every possible thought rushing through my head. Between school and my ankle I am crushed on the inside. I'm truly lost on my road to somewhere. But currently I'm going nowhere. Life seems to be a standstill ... I guess I'm scared to really grow up or scared to fail at growing up. I know nothing is suppose to be easy. But I didn't know life would feel how it does now. I still plan on finishing my last year of school strong and have a smiling face in December. LetLs see how all of that works out.

Fifteen minutes worth of randomness

Randomness before I leave my job....ready and......go

1. I fall in love way too easy within my friendships. I honestly love my close friends like siblings
2. I would go to the ends of the earth for Kentucky State Track and Field
3. I truly believe I'm Super Woman and teaching will be my way of saving the world
4. I am still scared of the dark....I thought I outgrew it as a child but nope
5. I'm currently taking the biggest leap of faith in my life and I am scared out of my mind
6. Lately I've been at war with my own decision making
7. The next year of my life will unfold before I can understand it all
8. The church I currently attend is helping me bury the monsters in my childhood
9. I never realized how many burdens I carry on my shoulders until this school year
10. I'm slowly laying down all my burdens and I feel brand new
11. My next tattoo will be on my shoulder, "Matthew 11:28 Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." -Inspired by the weight thats being lifted off of me everyday
12. Everyday I'm dying....EVERYDAY I'M DYING.....as a sinner...I am not sinless....but I am sinning less...
13. I feel like there's a Revolution going on in my life and I'm the musical director ....ACTION
14. The word transformation is a epitome of my life right now
15. I feel like I'm on my road to full maturity and adulthood.....but I'm still learning
16. I'm starting to trust people more
17. I am a little more open to my feelings now....
18. I'm still not a hugger..YIKES.... I can't get down with hugging everyone....try again next month
19. My drinking has taken a dramatic halt.....
20. My Senior athletic season is currently a blur.... I can't keep up...everytime I turn around....it's the last something...
21. I'm somewhere in between lost and meeting a breakthrough right now....but prayer has been pushing me closer to a breakthrough
22. My two close friends right now are people who I never thought would be more than classmates....

And That's it....

Kirk Franklin -Smile

I dedicate this song to recession, depression and unemployment. This songs for you.



Today's a new day, and there is no sunshine. Nothing but clouds, and it's dark in my heart and it feels like a cold night. Today's a new day, where are my blue skies, where is the love and the joy you promised me you tell me it's alright.



(I'll be honest with you)

I almost gave up, but a power that I can't explain, fell from heaven like a shower.



(When I think how much better I'm gonna be when this is over)





I Smile.....

even though I'm hurt see I smile.....

I know God is working so I smile.... Even though I've been here for a while.....

I smile....

SMILE......

it's so hard to look up when you look down. Sure would hate to see it when you give up now. You look so much when you.....

SMILE......

so smile....

Today's a new day, but there is no sunshine. Nothing but clouds, and it's dark in my heart, and it feels like a cold night. Today's a new day, tell me where are the blue skies, where is the love and the joy that you promised me ,you tell me it's alright.

(The truth is) I almost gave up but the power that I can't explain fell from heaven like a shower.

I smile....

even though I hurt I'm hurt see I Smile....

Even though I've been here for a while.....I smile

Smile....

its so hard to look up when you look down. Sure would hate to see it when you give up now. You look so much better when you......

Smile.

Smile....for me....










can you just.....smile for me....

smile for me.....

can you just.....smile for me.....

you look so much better when you...................

you look so much better when you.........

you look so much better when you.....

you look so much better when you........


(and while your waiting)

you look so much better when you.........


(and while your praying)

you look so much better when you.....

(look in the mirror)

you look so much better when you......




(always remember)

you look so much better when you.....

I almost gave up, but a power that I can't explain fell from heaven like a shower.

I smile....even though I'm hurt see I smile...

I know God is working so I smile...even though I've been here for a while....I smile....smile....

it's so hard to look up when you look down. Sure would hate to see it when you give up now. You look so much better when you smile....

so smile.........

Untitled

my days are filled with silent tears
my nights are filled with nightmare fears
my life still seems to be in shambles
stepping out on faith seems like my biggest gamble

lost and running ....searching ...seeking
fighting the darkness has quickened my breathing
where is the light that shines
answers unfound and I'm running out of time

my nights are filled with silent tears
my nights are filled with nightmare fears
naked and exposed to the world
in my back lies my friends swords

lost and running.....searching....seeking
fighting the darkness has quickened my breathing
laying awake in the darkest hour
lifes burdens will haunt you, if you give them the power

my nights are filled with silent tears
my nights are filled with nightmare fears
lost and running....searching.....seeking
fighting the darkness has quickedend my breathing

Dream Chaser

What happens when we chase a dream forever? And Everyone time we reach to grasp its gone. What happens when are dream is around us. You walk pass it everyday. Laying your eyes upon the words .............. What happens when your friends are living your dream. They talk about it. They wear it. They hold memories both good and bad. What happens when your dream seems to fade like a lamp with a dying light bulb. Do you spend money for more bulbs. What happens when your dream turns into a living nightmare. But you feel like the hero and constantly think there is hope. What happens when your dream is trampled by selfish people who already achieved theirs. So many ask when you'll make dreams reality? But they don't face the struggle.

Dear Dream,

I'll be damned if I give up. Just understand it's not my turn yet. Please remind those who already caught you to stop being hurdles before my finish line.

Love,
The Chaser

Been a long time....Randomness

I have slipped on blogging sorry...recap of Fall 2010

1. When I started here at KState I never imagined that Fall 2010 would not be my final fall semester in undergrad. But I'm accepting it wide open arms and looking forward to Fall 2011. My final semester and the semester I will student teach. (God willing)
2. Fall 2010 brought two unexpected friendships. And I find it funny. These last two school years I have had friendships placed in my life where I feel overwhelmed calling the person friend. A close friendship for me is not someone who will slap you up the head and ask you what the fuck are you thinking. I had a double dosage of new close friendships this year. I am blessed to have formed this friendships though. I released a few burdens through conversation with these two people. So at the end of the day these two close friendships are worth it.
3. Cross Country......I'm slowly getting over Nov 5th day by day.
4. School.....aaaaaaahhhhh I busted my ass this semester. My gpa to me low key didn't show it. Over achiever? Yes! Is that a excuse and reason to except my gpa? Hell no! Understand semester of non stop study grind. Yep. M.I.A. again.
5. Family. Yikes! I could write a novel about those fools at this point. But I'll continue to stay prayerful. Love ya.
6. backs to the unexpected friendships. The subject is kind of touchy when I think about it. To sum it up in words I would say....yikes.....oh my gosh....and thanks God. Seriously.
7. Teammates....where would would I be without you? *Ja Rule voice* I grew up the little sister. I came into #TNF the little sister. And now I'm big sis....I don't want any of this to end.....

This was by far my most random blog....yikes...