I've been trying to get this post out for sometime now. If only I could just feed my thoughts directly from my brain to my blog page. But it doesn't work like that. So I've been logging in and getting writers block. Or I publish some not so great material. More scattered thoughts than words. But here it is.

I've been walking around with frowns. Frowns that I've tried to play off. People have noticed and they don't know what to say. Random hugs where I feel the energy of people trying to comfort the pain they don't understand. I want to vent to my friends so bad. But the friends I would vent to play some role in my pain. But in wake of my pain I'm still rising. And in my rising I'm growing.

But in my growing....it may not be so healthy. I feel abandoned by so many relationships with friends and family that I'm pushing away new friendships and weaning myself from current friendships and family members that could possibly sideline me one day. I just pissed off one of my co workers by ignoring her statement of, "You know you love me". If you know me I don't use that word unless I mean it. And at this point I don't want to love anyone else. Strange right. It makes sense in my head. I didn't mean to be mean in response to her statement but all my pain flashed before my eyes in reading this statement that was said to me via twitter. I've loved so many from the bottom of my heart. There's always room to love more. But I don't think I can take anymore of the feelings I've had lately.

One of my friends told me this year that I have abandonment issues. She was right. I think I should be use to being abandoned on simply feeling like it by now. But as you see I'm not. But here I type a work in progress. And somewhere out there I think I here God telling me that when no one else is around I'm all around. I can't physically touch or get a vocal response when talking but he's there. He understands my feelings but doesn't want me to depend on no one but him when I'm hurting.

Dear Summer

Dear Summer,

I know you gon' miss me....

Summer we go together a scantron and number 2
Studied so much my summer is almost through......

Wait...Dear Summer....
What a bummer...

Summer I've been waiting for you to dry the tears
The end of summer brings back the fears...

Wait ..Dear Fall...
Help me stand tall...
What's a tree if the leaves never fall
Where are you reaching if your trees are too small...